"Regretful Love"

The memories all come back.

Harmonizing as an atonal symphony.

I’ll live with the task of loving you

For years now that you’re gone.

 

The biggest privilege I have

Is living a life where I

Remember you in it.

You’re gone and the shadow of it looms in my head.

 

Isn’t this love what you wanted from me?

Because I’m sick of losing my

Mind replaying what I’ll

Never have in my arms again.

 

Agony born from mental illness,

Chained both of us on unbreakable

Jet black thorny cords.

Matter of time until you’d walk out on me.

 

Now I’ve been crowned the king of this scrap heap,

Living life like a broken television screen

Replaying all the greatest classics

In an attempt to escape reality.

 

And I can shout across these walls

For all the rest of the days

I can call this random pitiful life.

 

And maybe I could call your phone

So I could hear your voice through

The voice mail so many times.

 

Letting go is the hardest thing when you’re living with the memories replaying again.

 

And I can’t keep on writing

This story without a happy ending

To call my own.

 

The world bleeds with a need

For a tragic comedy

That never wishes

That fools like I escape.

 

Where’s the entertainment

In watching a broken person

Relive their mistakes?

 

Praying for reconciliation

But only finding

Painful mental stimulation

Where the body lacks the cure.

 

No amount of medication

Can take the pain away.

Felt it day by day,

Like a rope tight around the neck.

 

Spitting out curses and blood

Only to get tied up by my own hands.

Isn’t it great that I love you more than

You’ll ever know?

 

Isn’t it great that I’ll love you more than you’ll ever know?

 

Now this is what I want

And the desire will never leave.

It’s a prilvelage to live with the memory

You gave me.

 

Yet I want something more. To hear you again.

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could hear

Your voice telling me about

The simple mundane things

That I always loved that you shared?

 

Wouldn’t it be amazing to

Stare into your crystal white eyes

And gaze into the warmth, kindness,

And mercy of your soul?

 

And wouldn’t it be nice

If I could wrap my arms around you,

With the sounds of the angelic voice

That makes my ears feel blessed as if I was hearing a voice from heaven?

 

But maybe I’m just chained and will never escape.

 

Maybe the days for love and mercy

Aren’t for me.

My hands got too much blood on them

For me to try and count my sins.

 

The memory of them is painful,

Who could ever bare it?

I’m living on the edge of reality

And fiction and the mind wanders off into obscurity.

So give me all you got my love.

May the end of days come 

So that we may embrace again, 

Forgiving each others’ sins.

 

Taking apart every tiny little thought

In an attempt to

Reconstruct a long lost

Emotion or passion of that time.

 

I want to hope and pray

But I should know by now that

You’ll never be mine.

 

And all I see is you never

Coming back to me.

A ghost of you that

Belonged somewhere else in my life on this side of eternity.

 

This eats me up from the inside out.

It’ll always be on my mind and

Won’t leave my heart.

 

Nothing makes this any less bittersweet.

The thought of you never coming back to me.

I could laugh, walk it off.

Then I’d be lying to my face that everything is fine.

 

The only privilege I have now

Is that I get to live a life.

Remembering you.

Only caveat is that you’ve forgotten me.

So give it all you got my love. 

The end of days could not come sooner, 

So that I may find your face before 

My judgment condemns my face. 

It’s always the same. 

Write on the page and 

The content of my 

Pain will never fade away.