"Loneliness"

It’s been a while since I’ve 

Decided to draft another tale, 

Something inspiring. 

But the narrative still doesn’t go my way. 

Reflecting for days on end 

And I’m letting the fresh air 

Crack into my skeleton. 

Better to drink wine with the ghosts of your friends than having nothing else to do.

Somedays I think to myself where did I go wrong?

The idea of it being my fault 

Goes at nauseum through my head.

Nobody understands how painful this is.

Did I strike gold only to pierce it with a drill 

To the point of cracking it? 

Because everyone reminds me of that failure 

And honestly I’m sick of it. 

Couldn’t tell you how long it’s been. 

My psychiatrist said to drop 

The unnecessary unhealthy 

Destructive habits. 

Yet they were the only thing keeping me from losing it.

These thoughts of loneliness just keep rolling in. 

Thought I’d drown under the pressure but 

I was kidding myself, 

This is just another form of hell.

Hate that I can’t let the meds kick in 

Without feeling like someone else is controlling me.

Why would I let the pain in, just 

Gatekeep what’s been letting me feel numb.

And I just want to be able to 

Finally be free. 

But honestly, I’ve ran out of what words 

To even write in a new melody. 

For so long it’s been blank pages 

Of what I want to see. 

But they’re always too bright, 

So I set them ablaze and let them into the trash where they can enjoy one last bright night.

Perhaps it truly is my fault. 

My fault for trying to reroll on life. 

Reroll on love. 

And now look at the loneliness, that’ll show you the price.

I overthink way too much for anyone to really get what 

I’m trying to even get out of my mouth. 

Is there no one who can understand me? 

Should I stay alone as the only one 

In this garden? 

No Eve to see and feel how this loneliness feels?

I’m not strong or pretty enough to escape this feeling of being unwanted.

The loneliness this time of night always comes rushing in. 

Noise just makes me agitated,

This pain is uncontrollable and 

Right now I’m sick of it. 

Can’t anyone for once get it? 

Are they too blind to see the hurt I’m in? 

Too blind to see that waking up is a miserable experience?

No point in letting the hope sink in. 

No one understands my hopes and dreams.

Am I faking it ? No one would notice. 

No, no one would bother to care if I did. 

They say “what if she is the one?”

“What if you two would have fun”

But they don’t understand that it’s impossible 

For me. 

The thoughts of being unable to find 

Someone who actually loves me is 

Closing in… 

The loneliness just always wants to set in.

I can be screaming a whole different language and you’d just walk away.

No point in hoping in love for myself. 

The loneliness just decides like a tidal wave 

To come crashing in on my hopes and dreams.

Can’t live like this. 

Can’t keep spinning my wheels hoping something happens. 

Can’t keep pretending that it is alright like they say.

They’re just too shallow and naive to understand 

The hurt I have been in. 

Can’t keep letting their hurtful unrealistic words 

Settle in. 

The brain fog hits me again.

The loneliness rolls in. 

Should just give up.

Can’t keep spinning my wheels over and over.

Can’t keep letting their hurtful unrealistic words settle in. 

Lest I lose myself to the tidal wave I’ve been trying all my life to be avoiding.

The thoughts of my previous failure at happiness just rolls in. 

Loneliness is the only logical conclusion that keeps 

Me unable to sleep at night. 

There’s no brightside and I’m done with people saying there is. 

Can’t keep spinning my wheels over and over.

Can’t keep up with these constant intrusive thoughts.

Can’t keep up with the fact that I threw away my only chance at happiness. 

Can’t believe at the finish line I traded my victory away for a pointless gamble that meant nothing.

Wish I was happy with my decision.

Can’t take the thoughts of loneliness that keep rolling in. 

Lost all the momentum that I could even hope for. 

Unhealthy, yeah. But what other choice do I have?