"One Way Down"

One way down and I’m out for the count.

Multiple voices screaming their

Dogmas and creeds at me.

Can feel the tears crawling out of me.

So long I’ve waited to be seen.

Used to want the spotlight,

The stars all align for

Others to see me for me.

I desire to be loved and adored

By those I come across.

But there are those who

Only drink from the cup of hate.

Blame me for my every mistake.

And the thoughts keep coming

Alive, to the point where

I feel like I’m on autopilot living my life.

Living my life like I’m numb,

Unable to connect to others

Because I’m stuck in my head.

Just wanna get away from

All of these sins.

The guilt stays on me like a bloody stain,

Never being washed away by the tears that fall down everyday.

Kill or be killed,

Does it matter anyway?

Feels like any progress gets

Reset by my reputation and I dunno what say.

Just want to let go.

Say goodbye and let the words out.

Everyday is another day.

Not letting go of the scars and wounds along the way.

Can’t help if I somedays it feels like I’m halfway into the grave.

One way down,

Staring into the darkness

My eye catches in the bottom.

One way down,

It’s been years.

And I’m overlooking

The shadow I found here.

I’m just broken and alone.

Everyday I was thinking the same, 

Unable to change, 

Unable to walk away. 

Walk away from this dark tragedy I made.

Listen to the voicemail

To be convicted of a sin that’s long been forgiven

But not by the person I wanted it to be from.

One way down from here

And It’s not looking so good.

Those shadows of monsters

Want me gone but who’s the monster when I look at what I’ve done?

Used to want the stars of the sea

To even look at me.

Swimming above the tide

Only to be like Icarus and burn up in the stratosphere.

Trusted them to the last moment,

Couldn’t hold on when

It all fell apart.

How could I ever trust one again?

After we’ve been through hell and snow,

Was our faith in each other 

Built on sandcastles meant to rot by the wayside of the tide?

Kill or be killed,

My mentality was toxic and so confused.

They all evacuated,

Aiming their spears through my heart.

Nobody understands these thoughts and feelings!

One way down,

They believed I was

Jaded and faded out.

Kill or be killed,

My rage boils up my heart

Everyday. Need to reclaim my cool,

Reclaim my birthright.

The mirror is cracked and 

My reflection shows a zombie on the brink of extinction.

Am I really alive 

Or am I really among the walking dead?

The cat has no fog left to 

Hide under the bridge with, 

I burnt it down a long time ago.

Their words, they brought me pain.

Healing was promised but was delayed,

Thought that it came and passed.

Don’t understand the impact.

A typical story of abandonment.

Was I really a hero

Or was I just a man

Trying to cover up my sins?

Was I a monster? I think I was something way worse.

One way down from here,

Couldn’t let go of the past.

The ghosts in mirror wouldn’t

Let me rest in the night.

I used to dream of being a hero.

Used to want to get up and fly in the skyline,

Touching the hint of purple pinkish

After-fade evening light.

Did I become a monster

Or something worse than that?

Someone unable to change.

Half-way to the bottom

And I hate waiting for

The fruits of my own

Labor to grow regardless of if they taste bitter or sweet.

I used to hate the sight of me…

All I wanted was the stars of the sea

To believe in somebody like me!

But now I’m done wanting someone

Like them to come and save me.

Used to wanna be a hero,

So I’ll believe that regardless of my

Sins, I can make this dream come true.

Kill or be killed,

I won’t live by those rules.

Adapt or die,

No matter what, there only remains the decision to survive.

I used to want to be somebody

But I didn’t know that I had

To be the one to believe in me.

I was tainted with blood so I believed that someone I wronged had to forgive me so I could exist.

Never thought that I could

Do this on my own,

Became a victim and

Used my suffering as an excuse to stay numb.

One way down and I finally know

Now that this’ll be how I get out.

The stars of the sea may have exiled me

But there are still people who believe in me.

Another day is another day,

Where I can try to live my life

And change the darkest parts

Of my fate.

Live my life as mine,

Trying to be better than this.

Living life at the side of those

Who wants what’s best for me instead of yearning for acceptance from those who’ve discarded me.

I’ll see brighter days,

Won’t let the light inside of me fade.

All I had to do was believe in

Myself all along…

Waiting to get back down,

So I can live my life now.

People don’t care but I need to care about myself.

I should rest, take time to reflect.

Not on my sins but what I can do now.

Maybe take the time to forgive.

Another day is another day, one where I can change my fate.

One way down and it looks like a steep drop.

The wait will be worth it.

Reminding myself of what it takes to be truly great.

And this time I’ll make sure to make it.

Reminding myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day, 

As will my new life apart from the pain.

Finally free I want to believe, 

One way down and there we shall see…

Who do I now want to be?