The premiere title of my first set of poems. This one is just a lot of repressed feelings. It’s talking about an experience that is oh so hard to forget. I’ve talked to countless friends about this, having someone so close who believes in you only for them to leave one day. This person and I had a lot of history and moving on from their friendship was so taxing on myself, to the point where I couldn’t function in my own life without remembering what they said to me the last time we spoke, that I derailed their life and they couldn’t let me back in. It was so painful, especially after a hard final year of college. But sometimes that’s how things go, regardless of what we want. I very well didn’t want this to happen but it did, even though I wasn’t in control of my actions I have to take responsibility for it. I’ve been stuck in this phase of being “burnt out” for so long that it’s time to just let go because everything’s said and done. This poem is also me trying to express how I felt meeting the popular crowd in the last two years, that I’ve tried fitting in with them. I hid my neurodivergent self away because they clearly did not like me, we did not mix. But honestly, I had to accept that this was on them and not on me. I worked so hard to be beloved and for what really? There’s so much shallowness in trying to want that sort of life. I wanted to just express how it felt. Sometimes I wondered why I felt so trapped afterwards, why I couldn’t get out after the trauma. It was because I saw them as the focal point of my issues, I saw them as someone who could free me from guilt. If they could forgive me then I know I could finally forgive myself right? Well, I realized eventually that this wasn’t a healthy mindset to have. My worth as a person did not come from them at all, my despair over life growing because they wouldn’t forgive me was not worth decaying over in my life. I had to get out and I did. I am so much better now I am so much happier. Life is worth living and I do not need the validation of these people to live. Who cares if we are not the same as others? Sophisticated or normal? We don’t need that to be alive. We also don’t need people who don’t want to be in our lives. They’ve hurt us more by leaving us behind but if they did then they did not deserve us anyways.
Live for your lives, guys. Don't seek validation in your own existence in a person (other than the person of Jesus Christ). They can't give you what you want. But you can escape this cycle that keeps coming back. I never thought I would get out but I did. You can do it, we've been there. It's possible!
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