"The Other Side of Hatred", An Open Letter to My Former Institution

I was your perfect little soldier.

Wasn’t it amazing that I gave you great accolades? 

The first person in my immediate family to get a worthy degree from you,

All the while doing it flawlessly with your numerous exams. 

So many nights I slaved away for you.

I was your greatest defender when people put you down.

That this was some sort of “bubble”, paradise on Earth. 

Yeah well it became a nightmare where I wanted to end my life, 

When learning that you just threw me to the curb. 

Brainwashed friends into leaving me. 

Gaslit me into believing that I was the greatest enemy. 

I asked for help and all you replied with was 

“No backup, finish it alone.”

Before hanging up the phone. 

Your paradise was where I lost the love of my life, 

The blonde star of the sea,

And all you could do was give me a check asking me for more of what I had. 

I wanted to let go, for so many years,

Tell people I actually hated you. 

You took away my brotherhood from me, 

My brothers who had my back even now years later. 

Unlike you, they heard my sins and accepted me and tried to help me. 

But no. It was a catastrophe to the picture of the golden world you formed. 

You wanted to chase money, wanted to chase clout, popularity. 

All while I was drowning. 

Now what can I say except hide my shame that you marked me with? 

Well those excuses end up piling up and haunting me.

Well I’m letting them go and don’t you dare go coming 

Back into my life to haunt me again. 

Don’t you dare return to me at night, haunting my dreams 

Whispering to me that I'm not good enough. 

That I’m broken goods for hurting Marissa. 

You could never understand what it feels like to be on the edge of depression, self sabotaging your own life just to have someone wanna get rid of you. 

You could never understand why I’m still alive.

No, you could never comprehend real people who loved me even after everything. 

People who became my heroes when I was about to die! 

You really did a number on me. 

Made me believe I was gonna kill myself. 

But no, I'm still alive. Still kicking around.

So stay in the past. Because I’m better off now without you. 

Not harmed, not in need of recovery. I’ve moved on so keep your problems, your issues, your … anything to yourself!

I still deserve happiness and you don’t get to take my dream away just because I wasn’t your perfect little soldier. I’m going to do my own path, one with God that is divorced from your cracked picture-perfect world that you wanted me to submit to.